Emotionalism

The Old Guitarist - Pablo Picasso

I have always been very sensitive and not just the kind that cries at sappy movies, but it seems to be the go to emotion whether I choose it or not. I cry when I am happy, nervous, frustrated, angry, hurt, sad...I could go on. For so long it has been the one thing that I fear and hate most about myself. I fear that it will creep out in the most inappropriate times, like some place far out of my comfort zone with the people I don't trust. I hate the way it affects my relationships and the fact that it makes me appear weak.


I have always been much better at writing things down then talking face to face. It seems to take some of the emotion out it; no that's not true, maybe it is that it depersonalizes the judgement that comes from my words. You can write something down and don't have to necessarily face the person reading it; therefore, less likely to be emotional about it.

I have always wondered what it would be like to be able to stop myself from crying forever, well that's an exaggeration, but far less. To be able to show my feelings constructively, to use my words to express my emotions instead of tears. I have gotten better at it, but it will always be a work in progress. I want those close to me to understand I am just as uncomfortable with my crying as they are, if not more uncomfortable. I replay the moments again and again, wondering how I can actually say what I need to and not be chocked up with tears. As I go through trying to figure out how I can reel in my emotions, I do know that I sadly wear my heart on my sleeve, but that I gladly show people my emotions ALWAYS. I promise to work on how it is I express those emotions.